Truth Be Told

I'm so good at doging anything meaningful, and I am so good at telling people that I don't need you. Why would anyone ever admit to dependency? Maybe it's not dependency, maybe its contribution. Is that why people fall in love? Maybe it's not depending on someone for existence, maybe it's that they contribute to your emotional experience as a human being. I can't get past the dependency yet though. Not yet.

I grew up way too fast. I skipped from feeling 14-34, and I missed all of the things I was supposed to feel on the way. I went from knowing nothing and being scared to having all (relatively) the answers and grinning as I controlled the world around me. I learned quickly how to manipulate the world to give me what I wanted and discard the useless. But maybe I misevaulated what was important. Somewhere in-between, I threw myself away. I learned too many lessons far too fast. I learned from other peoples' mistakes and made sure they never happened to me. But in doing so, I cheated myself out of understanding a lot of things. Like feeling. Feeling became a minor detail, and actions drove my life. It drove me away from home, people I love, and safety.

If I don't fix this now, I'll never be okay. I'll be one of those old women who talks to herself. I'm already starting to talk to myself (and it's because no one will listen, and if they will, I'm too scared to ever ask for help). God forbid I ever admit that I, the self-proclaimed strongest, most rational, smartest, excempt from emotion, most insightful and collected person I know, would need help. How could I? I'm not human. (But here's a secret: I am, and I do.)

Something is happening to me. I don't have as much control (over certain things) as I once thought. I feel like I have nothing, since I've made a career out of pushing people away and being quite secretive about how I genuinely feel, for fear that it might reveal vulnerability. I'm superwoman! I can't be breakable! (Looks like someone found a kryptonite suply.)

Hey, here's your wake up call: Just because you ask for help doesn't mean you aren't fabulous. Just because you don't know everything doesn't mean you're not smart. Being collected doesn't make you loyal, it makes you boring. And I know you're not collected because everyone I'm friends with has some sort of mental/personality eccentricy. Dependency is flattering and rationality is a substitute for emotion. Simplicity isn't created, and if it's not already there, you have to deal with all the details. It's the only way to get an actual solution. Thank god. I almost kept running around thinking that I can run the world and that I'm amazing at life. (and I am, this is just a speedbump, and I'll be better in the end.)

I know that there aren't many people that can help me with this. But at the same time, I can think of quite a few people that might nod in agreement if I were to explain to them. ANd there are a number of you to whom I owe an apology, or an explanation. Maybe someday I'll sort this out enough to be able to remember to tell each of you. For now, all I need is someone to motivate me to keep trying to break down these walls. There's a certain kind of comfort that I can't seem to find. Let me break down for once, and let me stop being the strongest person you know, and let me be irrational, and let me show that I am human and I do have emotion, and I can't be collected all the time. (but I can sure try!)