Life Rattle

When people ask me what my biggest fear is, I usually say "wasting time". That I've been wasting years sitting on couches, zoning out on Facebook or a situational comedy absorbing nothing and wasting everything. I have a fear that I won't go out clawing and scratching to accomplish what my heart tells my hands they need to feel. To grasp and hold against my chest. To learn and kneel down to share with anyone who'll listen. I've wasted years of time. Years of good life. But honestly, that's not my biggest fear.

My biggest fear is that I will lose that deep eye fluttering intensity for what is most important. That my arms will get heavy from reaching towards the sun and I will dilute my words and actions with shine and flash to take away from the fact that this soul is getting old and tired. It's sad that it takes moments in books and minutes in movies to evoke heart-swells and life-rattles.

My biggest fear is I'm afraid I won't know how to stop that fog from seeping in. From taking over. From taking over. From stealing the light from behind my eyes. I see the lifeless. I see them every day. I watch as they stare at sidewalks. I listen as their relationships reduce them into what they never thought they'd become. I watch as they perpetuate the cycle their gees have known all along as they turn into their parents, inflicting the same crimes they have always preached against.

I write this out of fear. Fear that I will become something that I wasn't meant to be. I write this out of that mirror. Because I fight it every single day. It's not something I like to talk about because it is difficult to admit that you're afraid you're losing it. The fight. The true desire to become. To become something. Anything.

Because I see it in them. They turned their back on their desire, ambition, and appetite.

I need to become beautiful. Remarkable. Unforgettable. Someones everything.

I don't want a life without lust.

I need to crave. To yearn. To hunger.

We work our being and waste our most valuable possession. Time. For so much that we forget that the greatest investment is in ourselves. That we are the answer to our own problems and the only reason why we are not taking the steps to heal, to learn, to love ourselves is because we slowly let the fog creep in and choke our devotion and block out our internal sun. Our desire. And when we leave our desire behind we have no chance to break the cycles we are doomed to repeat.

But I've still got a few rounds left in me. And a desire to fight.

And that's all it takes.