"Dude, why don't you drink?"

Five years ago I made a lifetime commitment to myself to never touch it. Not because it was cool to say so (because believe me, it's not), not because I felt I needed the reassurance of a community of like-minded people, but because it was in my character to do so. It has never made sense to me so even the other day when someone asked me, "so why don't you drink?" I responded with, "I think the better question is why DO you drink?"
I find it a sad day that in our culture of over-consumption and "moral high ground" that someone who DOESN'T drink is perceived as an outcast.

I don't preach. If you ask for my opinion, I will tell you. If it's in your character to drink, more power to you. I don't look down on "sellouts" or people who once claimed to "not drink" but now run off to the first bar they see to get "socially lubricated." I respect it more when someone is honest with themselves, whether it be sexually, politically, or emotionally. I do not respect facades or insincerity. So if you're running around with an X on the back of your hand and do not feel it in your head and heart, if you haven't put into perspective that it is a philosophy, and not a music scene and fully comprehend that it is a commitment for life and nothing less... if you don't know that feeling then I don't expect you to maintain the claim. Good for you for being truly honest with yourself, because most people can smell insincerity and no one respects it.

But that's not what this is about.

It's not so much the idea of getting wasted that turns me off, it's the "social" aspect that is so unattractive.
I see people walk into bars, articulate and intelligent and just for a night out with the girls or boys, then stumble out as embarrassing shadows of who they once were. That the only way the can feel comfortable conversing with someone is to have a glass of wine or a cocktail. That it's not in their character to be open and honest with ideas or theories on life, that the only way they can dance and let go and feel free and laugh is with the help of something manufactured that they have to pay for. And that's where they lose my respect because they (or someone) had to PAY to let go and to relate and to lose their inhibitions.

I understand the lure of getting drunk. It takes you to another world where you don't have to think about your problems and you can laugh without consequences... or at least until you wake up. And I also understand the weakness and lack of character it takes to step inside these places and pay for a glass of liquid courage. I understand that you don't have it in you to man up and deal, that you have to put money into someones pocket and tip jar to feel alive.

I understand this.

Understand, the physical act of drinking isn't what I'm talking about. That is simply your choice and I don't think that choice makes me better than anyone because they drink some liquid and I don't. Although, I do think I make better choices than you do.

But where I won't play the politically correct card is WHY you choose to drink.
If you are a chickenshit who is incapable of expressing your feelings that you need to drop money on a bar to feel more like "yourself," which is an idiotic concept in and of itself, then yes, I believe that my character is stronger than yours. Because your actions are a pathetic reflection of your will and your lack of true expression.
And that's why I think you are weak.
And that's why I see you as a sad and trite and scared little kid.
And that's why when you ask me why I don't drink, I know you don't get it and it tells me everything I need to know about your character.
And that's why I don't respect you.

Bitch.

So there's this girl... the first time I came in contact with her I thought, "Wow, this girl is a bitch!" But then I was thinking, 'Wait... everything she's saying is something I'd say too.' Do I look that horrible in other people's eyes? Do people think the same things about me that I thought about her? I wonder why she is the way she is.

Love.

When you say 'I love you', you're taking your little heart and you're giving it to them. And you're handing it to them and saying 'Don't fuck this up. Here, this is mine, but I'm asking you to hold this. Now don't fuck it up.'

I don't respect anyone.. who intentionally, fucks that heart up.

Skeptics Beware

It's nice to know that people still care.

And in my mind, it's not the voice, it's the movement.

Flowing through a sea of rhythm and the profound.

The presence of proof is the presence of truth.

Know the meaning of compassion.

Just a suggestion.

Truth Be Told

I'm so good at doging anything meaningful, and I am so good at telling people that I don't need you. Why would anyone ever admit to dependency? Maybe it's not dependency, maybe its contribution. Is that why people fall in love? Maybe it's not depending on someone for existence, maybe it's that they contribute to your emotional experience as a human being. I can't get past the dependency yet though. Not yet.

I grew up way too fast. I skipped from feeling 14-34, and I missed all of the things I was supposed to feel on the way. I went from knowing nothing and being scared to having all (relatively) the answers and grinning as I controlled the world around me. I learned quickly how to manipulate the world to give me what I wanted and discard the useless. But maybe I misevaulated what was important. Somewhere in-between, I threw myself away. I learned too many lessons far too fast. I learned from other peoples' mistakes and made sure they never happened to me. But in doing so, I cheated myself out of understanding a lot of things. Like feeling. Feeling became a minor detail, and actions drove my life. It drove me away from home, people I love, and safety.

If I don't fix this now, I'll never be okay. I'll be one of those old women who talks to herself. I'm already starting to talk to myself (and it's because no one will listen, and if they will, I'm too scared to ever ask for help). God forbid I ever admit that I, the self-proclaimed strongest, most rational, smartest, excempt from emotion, most insightful and collected person I know, would need help. How could I? I'm not human. (But here's a secret: I am, and I do.)

Something is happening to me. I don't have as much control (over certain things) as I once thought. I feel like I have nothing, since I've made a career out of pushing people away and being quite secretive about how I genuinely feel, for fear that it might reveal vulnerability. I'm superwoman! I can't be breakable! (Looks like someone found a kryptonite suply.)

Hey, here's your wake up call: Just because you ask for help doesn't mean you aren't fabulous. Just because you don't know everything doesn't mean you're not smart. Being collected doesn't make you loyal, it makes you boring. And I know you're not collected because everyone I'm friends with has some sort of mental/personality eccentricy. Dependency is flattering and rationality is a substitute for emotion. Simplicity isn't created, and if it's not already there, you have to deal with all the details. It's the only way to get an actual solution. Thank god. I almost kept running around thinking that I can run the world and that I'm amazing at life. (and I am, this is just a speedbump, and I'll be better in the end.)

I know that there aren't many people that can help me with this. But at the same time, I can think of quite a few people that might nod in agreement if I were to explain to them. ANd there are a number of you to whom I owe an apology, or an explanation. Maybe someday I'll sort this out enough to be able to remember to tell each of you. For now, all I need is someone to motivate me to keep trying to break down these walls. There's a certain kind of comfort that I can't seem to find. Let me break down for once, and let me stop being the strongest person you know, and let me be irrational, and let me show that I am human and I do have emotion, and I can't be collected all the time. (but I can sure try!)

All I Have Is What This Promise Means

Life and death, energy and peace.
If I stop today it was still worth it.
Even the terrible mistakes that I made and would have unmade if I could.
The pains that have burned me and scarred my soul, it was worth it, for having been allowed to walk where I've walked, which was to hell on hearth, heaven on earth, back again, into, under, far inbetween, through it, and above it.

Fall 2008

My style inspiration for fall 2008. Oversized scaves. Hats. Neutral colors. Fitted jackets. Boots, boots, boots. The leaves are changing and so is my wardrobe. I can't wait to see the next chapter.

Epicness.

Not going to lie, I like Dashboard Confessionals.
It's like every song he writes sounds like the music that plays in movies when the main character(s) is having an epiphany.
The emotional climax of the plot.

I guess it just makes me feel sort of, infinite.

And I have Nothing Left Except... All The Time In The World

You know those days when a song you've listened to hundreds of times hits you just right, at that moment when the planets align, and your chest doesn't move because you can't remember taking a breath? The moment it all comes together and seems so poignant, so exact, so important and never has a song been more powerful and immense even though you've been singing along to it consistently for years?
Yeah, it's like that.
Like if you could squeeze your eyelids together hard enough you could transfer your soul into that song and you wouldn't have to worry about bills or responsibility or holidays or eating spoiled food.
Like the half awake zombie state after a long day of work where your feet feel strangely warm and comfortable and you know if you kept your eyes open longer than 10 seconds you would be asleep?
It's a magic time that is impossible to predict.
That is impossible to improve upon.
That is impossible to reach.

But it's that moment that you wish you could live inside forever.

Yeah, it's like that.

Make It Happen

You're not going to get ANYWHERE if you let what a handful of people tell you about YOUR dreams discourage you. Because trust me, there are tons of bitter and hateful people out there who will tell you your efforts are ridiculous...but that comes from their jealousy and their inabilities to accomplish their own dreams. Nothing is a waste of time if its something you love, money or not.

Remember, things don't just fall into your lap, you have to MAKE them fall into your lap. Go out and MAKE it happen.

Mind Over Matter

All that we are is the result of what we have thought.
The mind is everything. What we think, we become.

- Buddha

Failure.

We always want what we can't have. If we're single we want someone to cuddle with. If we're cuddling, we want someone to make out with. If we're making out, we just want someone to bang. If we're banging someone, we want someone to love. If we're in love, we just don't understand why they don't love us the way we love them. If they love us too we think, "Damn, why don't they just chill the fuck out?" Then we start to think about being single... and so a million romantic comedies are born.

Relying on others to make us happy is certain failure. If we fall for the "you complete me" Jerry Maguire bullshit, we will fail. Every relationship you've ever been in has failed, everyone you've ever known has failed, whether they are still together or not. Why? Because we're looking FOR love, not looking to BE loved. Going into a relationship with guards and walls, reservations and expectations deems us failures from the start. We can't be happy (try to convince yourself all you want) until we are happy with ourselves.

So how do you feel when you're alone? Without a shoulder? How do you feel lying in bed between 10 minutes and forever before you fall asleep? You don't 'complete' shit, you arrogant bastards. If the focus is on me, me and me how could you possibly expect someone to be unselfish and give you what you think you 'deserve'? It is rare that two people are in the same position in life and can make things work, that's why most (if not all) of the time we do fail. We fail ourselves, we cheat others. We 'cheat' boys and girls and lovers with open hearts into thinking we can give them what they need. But we fail to give them what they all truly deserve.

Life Rattle

When people ask me what my biggest fear is, I usually say "wasting time". That I've been wasting years sitting on couches, zoning out on Facebook or a situational comedy absorbing nothing and wasting everything. I have a fear that I won't go out clawing and scratching to accomplish what my heart tells my hands they need to feel. To grasp and hold against my chest. To learn and kneel down to share with anyone who'll listen. I've wasted years of time. Years of good life. But honestly, that's not my biggest fear.

My biggest fear is that I will lose that deep eye fluttering intensity for what is most important. That my arms will get heavy from reaching towards the sun and I will dilute my words and actions with shine and flash to take away from the fact that this soul is getting old and tired. It's sad that it takes moments in books and minutes in movies to evoke heart-swells and life-rattles.

My biggest fear is I'm afraid I won't know how to stop that fog from seeping in. From taking over. From taking over. From stealing the light from behind my eyes. I see the lifeless. I see them every day. I watch as they stare at sidewalks. I listen as their relationships reduce them into what they never thought they'd become. I watch as they perpetuate the cycle their gees have known all along as they turn into their parents, inflicting the same crimes they have always preached against.

I write this out of fear. Fear that I will become something that I wasn't meant to be. I write this out of that mirror. Because I fight it every single day. It's not something I like to talk about because it is difficult to admit that you're afraid you're losing it. The fight. The true desire to become. To become something. Anything.

Because I see it in them. They turned their back on their desire, ambition, and appetite.

I need to become beautiful. Remarkable. Unforgettable. Someones everything.

I don't want a life without lust.

I need to crave. To yearn. To hunger.

We work our being and waste our most valuable possession. Time. For so much that we forget that the greatest investment is in ourselves. That we are the answer to our own problems and the only reason why we are not taking the steps to heal, to learn, to love ourselves is because we slowly let the fog creep in and choke our devotion and block out our internal sun. Our desire. And when we leave our desire behind we have no chance to break the cycles we are doomed to repeat.

But I've still got a few rounds left in me. And a desire to fight.

And that's all it takes.