Today, I quit my job, paid off the entirety of my mastercard, and realized I have more money in my bank accounts than I thought. Not a bad, not bad at all.

So, three more days until I'm tattooed. Can you believe it? Because I sure can't. In high school, I couldn't wait to get a tattoo. But I'm happy I waited three years to get something that I really wanted. This is not something I will ever regret. I love my baby more than life itself. I just hope Rich follows through. I mean, he's a very talented artist, I'm just nervous that I'm going to look at it and realize, that's not my cat. Ahh.. hopefully not. I've already got my next two planned out as well. Yikes.

So, life has been humdrum other than the tattooage. My parents and Tyler's parents now get together. We all went out to Arborg for Tyler's birthday. It's weird, and very grown up feeling. It still kind of freaks me out. I'm extremely excited for this month to be over and done with. One more month until Tyler and I are in Scotland. I hope we don't kill each other... and hopefully, by the end of summer, I will be the proud owner of a Suzuki SX4. And then me and Dainna can road trip it uppp. LA here we come.

I've been stagnant since I can remember.

I feel like the goal is inches from my fingertips, and I just keep biting my nails.

Gawd, I hate life right now. I know I shouldn't say that because I do believe that your life is directly influenced by you, and if I feel like I hate life, then my life is in essence, going to hate me. But fuck, I hate life. I'm like, 80% sure I'm going to be fired. Yeahhh. Despite the fact that I worked my ass off all of last year, came over to this store when no one else could, dealt with shit from previous owners and no organization in this store whatsoever, worked my ass off all through Christmas, was told I'd get the manager position, or at least a raise... and did any of that happen? Nope. I feel so taken advantage of. I mean, at this point, I don't give a fuck. I stopped wanting to be manager a long time ago. I was ready to leave before any of this shit started happening. I'm just pissed because a) I worked my ass off and Kelly (DM) told me I would get a raise, and told me I'd be manager, and b) She fucking posts job ads without even mentioning it to me. I mean, I'm going to find out eventually. It's not the secret, it's the secret keeping, you know? And, I know for a fact we have a set amount of hours we can use in a week, and we are at that amount. We don't have any hours for an extra person. So if she's hiring a manager, that means she's going to fire someone. And there really isn't a need for a manager and an assistant manager here. So who gets the boot? Yeah. Fuck. I'm not even pissed about that, since I'm planning on leaving anyway.. it's just like, a slap in the face. Whatever. I guess this is an awakening that I should probably start making a career for myself. 

I'm determined to make this an awesome year, anyway. I mean, I'm getting a tattoo in 22 days. March 27th. Fuck. I'm so stoked on that you don't even know. And then May 2-16 I'll be in Scotland for my 21st birthday. That's going to be epic. And then, I'm planning on another tattoo in June. And then hopefully buying a car in the fall/winter. That's the plan. I just need to start saving my bones off. 

I can be an asshole sometimes, I really can. I don't even realize it. I am just stuck in my own brain sometimes. I'm sorry.

The human soul is such a funny thing. It is not visible to the human eye, and scientists cannot prove it exists, but we all know we can't survive without one. It's a magical thing of sorts, I suppose, because it makes us who we are and determines our lifes path.

Our souls radiate our emotions wherever we go. A room full of people could be happy and joyful, but then enters the one soul with turmoil and sadness swirling inside. Even if that person has a smile on their face, you can feel it. You would know instantly something was not right.

I seem to have become a human sponge. Whatever comes my way, I feel it and absorb it. I can't really help it, its my nature I guess. When I sense that something is not right, well then I feel it all over and my mood becomes the same as theirs. I think it is more so for the ones I care about. I feel what they feel, so I know what is going on inside their heart and their soul. I want to fix things, but I know I can't, so at least I try to understand. You can't always understand though. I actually think that I understand more than anyone knows, I just don't like to admit or show it.

I think the one emotion that is like a disease to our soul, is fear. A small amount of it is ok, especially when keeping us in line, but its unhealthy in large doses, because we start to lose control and our skew on reality. I am guilty of that. I can get a little too sensitive sometimes. When I get a little too full of emotion, I start to read into things the wrong way and prepare for the worst. I see something shiny, I assume its a bomb waiting to go off and I hide in the bomb shelter waiting for it all to end. There was never a bomb in the first place, it was only a glare from the sun. I have been trying to work on that. It's not easy.

Sometimes I'm scared that I'm not perfect. I'm scared that even though the world is an imperfect place that I, myself, have not reached the standards I have made for myself. I am worried that I'm not good enough and that in the end I will inevitably fail.

And I ask myself... what's perfect? In the mind of a perfectionist it's much more than just a word. It's a mindset that you must do and say and move a certain way. That is how the world must be. Exact.

I find myself bound by the thought of perfection. Bound by the unwritten rules inside my mind that everything I do must be precisely beautiful in every way.

Even just a single word must be over-analyzed until it's so worn out it falls apart before my eyes. At that point is when I realize that I'm worrying myself so sick that my stomach has turned into a million knots and that raging sea inside myself has crashed a thousand times against my heart., weakening it just a little more.

And sometimes I wonder how long I can take the pressure. The pressure building up inside of me. I wonder what will happen when I've reached my breaking point and how much it will hurt when I snap in two.

And then the minute hand flies into another day that brings me a new train of thought. That maybe I just can't be perfect. And that sometimes you must let yourself go. You must untie the ropes of perfection that hold you down and fly away from the thoughts that you must be a certain way. That sometimes you just need to close your eyes and fall off the ledge you have climbed upon and let yourself fall into the unknown.

Sometimes I'm scared that I'm not perfect. But now I see that sometimes... imperfection is beautiful.

So I am quitting F&P. Not yet, but when I do it will be glorious. Probably not for at least another month. The company has been nothing but a hassle lately and has in general, treated me like a second class citizen. My district manager has dangled pay raises and promotions in front of me for 6 months now. I can live fine off what I make, but I can't save. I can't buy a car. I can't do any of the things I want to do. I've always said this is a job, not a career, and I need to start living by that. I'm going to spend spring/summer working for my parents, making a lot more money.. and then hopefully save enough to buy a car in the fall. That's the plan anyway.