I can be an asshole sometimes, I really can. I don't even realize it. I am just stuck in my own brain sometimes. I'm sorry.

The human soul is such a funny thing. It is not visible to the human eye, and scientists cannot prove it exists, but we all know we can't survive without one. It's a magical thing of sorts, I suppose, because it makes us who we are and determines our lifes path.

Our souls radiate our emotions wherever we go. A room full of people could be happy and joyful, but then enters the one soul with turmoil and sadness swirling inside. Even if that person has a smile on their face, you can feel it. You would know instantly something was not right.

I seem to have become a human sponge. Whatever comes my way, I feel it and absorb it. I can't really help it, its my nature I guess. When I sense that something is not right, well then I feel it all over and my mood becomes the same as theirs. I think it is more so for the ones I care about. I feel what they feel, so I know what is going on inside their heart and their soul. I want to fix things, but I know I can't, so at least I try to understand. You can't always understand though. I actually think that I understand more than anyone knows, I just don't like to admit or show it.

I think the one emotion that is like a disease to our soul, is fear. A small amount of it is ok, especially when keeping us in line, but its unhealthy in large doses, because we start to lose control and our skew on reality. I am guilty of that. I can get a little too sensitive sometimes. When I get a little too full of emotion, I start to read into things the wrong way and prepare for the worst. I see something shiny, I assume its a bomb waiting to go off and I hide in the bomb shelter waiting for it all to end. There was never a bomb in the first place, it was only a glare from the sun. I have been trying to work on that. It's not easy.

Sometimes I'm scared that I'm not perfect. I'm scared that even though the world is an imperfect place that I, myself, have not reached the standards I have made for myself. I am worried that I'm not good enough and that in the end I will inevitably fail.

And I ask myself... what's perfect? In the mind of a perfectionist it's much more than just a word. It's a mindset that you must do and say and move a certain way. That is how the world must be. Exact.

I find myself bound by the thought of perfection. Bound by the unwritten rules inside my mind that everything I do must be precisely beautiful in every way.

Even just a single word must be over-analyzed until it's so worn out it falls apart before my eyes. At that point is when I realize that I'm worrying myself so sick that my stomach has turned into a million knots and that raging sea inside myself has crashed a thousand times against my heart., weakening it just a little more.

And sometimes I wonder how long I can take the pressure. The pressure building up inside of me. I wonder what will happen when I've reached my breaking point and how much it will hurt when I snap in two.

And then the minute hand flies into another day that brings me a new train of thought. That maybe I just can't be perfect. And that sometimes you must let yourself go. You must untie the ropes of perfection that hold you down and fly away from the thoughts that you must be a certain way. That sometimes you just need to close your eyes and fall off the ledge you have climbed upon and let yourself fall into the unknown.

Sometimes I'm scared that I'm not perfect. But now I see that sometimes... imperfection is beautiful.

So I am quitting F&P. Not yet, but when I do it will be glorious. Probably not for at least another month. The company has been nothing but a hassle lately and has in general, treated me like a second class citizen. My district manager has dangled pay raises and promotions in front of me for 6 months now. I can live fine off what I make, but I can't save. I can't buy a car. I can't do any of the things I want to do. I've always said this is a job, not a career, and I need to start living by that. I'm going to spend spring/summer working for my parents, making a lot more money.. and then hopefully save enough to buy a car in the fall. That's the plan anyway.